I honestly have a difficult time remembering. It takes an intentional quieting of my mind and being still in the moment for God to unravel the mystery of my past. Probably the reason I'm challenged in slowing down and just being still. My hope is for a renewal of my mind to take place as I delve into the sea of memories that seem to be from another world. A washing and purifying as the waters flood my mind. I've been writing about some memories that I'm not sure I've completely dealt with and am having a very difficult time putting it out there. They are painful and suddenly a raw open wound. I'll write for a few minutes and then have to break away for hours. How is it, the reminder of this pain can surface like a tsunami? It's devastating me. I've functioned "just fine" for years keeping it buried and hidden. It's been reopened a few times, but it seems it's only hardened and calloused a deep scar. Some kind of guarding of my heart has placed a shell around me and as it's crumbling I'm feeling naked and exposed. Praying that Grace like rain pours down on me and cleanses my wounds for a healing that will be complete.
For years I had been doing my best to move forward, and leave the past far behind me. When my parents died before they were fifty, I'd realized how our days are fleeting. There was a two year period after they passed that I couldn't remember anything, a temporary amnesia that never restored. But in time I was lifted from my sorrow and loss and reminded that I need to live. There is no way to grab hold of time and slow down, it's impossible to get time back. We can only live in the gift of the present, remember the past, and look forward to tomorrow. It's easy for me to find thanks in my circumstances of today, for I feel blessed to simply be alive. Setting goals and believing for a future that's hopeful is plain to see, for it's the truth I've come to believe. But unfortunately when it comes to remembering the past, my mind acts more like an overstuffed messy closet than anything. Unable to access the memory bank gracefully, they've been shoved in with the door slammed, the whole unorganized mess comes spilling out. Patiently pulling myself back from doing, and surrendering to just being is the space that I find grace. Allowing God to slowly open the door for me, like a gentleman, and gently coax the memories out. He will not give me more than I can handle, so as I ready myself for what's ahead, I've found peace. What becomes exposed in me, will simply be an unraveling and clean up of one hot mess. My life is not perfect, but I'm not striving for perfection, simply seeking peace deep within.
The following is a piece I wrote after a life-threatening illness crashed my health over a year ago. I share it with you as a reminder for myself to move forward and also share it with hope that it might inspire you to do the same.
True transformation comes from Atonement. Atonement means to repair, make amends, reconcile. The blood Jesus shed for you has cleasned you and continues to cleanse you. You have been carrying around burdens from your past and present. Not only your own stuff, but the burdens of those around you. Give it to Him and pray a dome of protection around you, that Jesus and His angels shall be your shield, your filter. Allow all goodness and love from Him and others to saturate and envelope you, he is your shield and will protect you from all the negative energy that may be thrown your way. The sickness, sins, frustrations, worry, ill-feelings you have, hand them over to Jesus. Don't hold onto them any longer. They will only drain you of your precious life. God has already taken care of it, so why do you continue to carry it. At the end of your days do you plan to stand before God holding your arms full of garbage and covered in filth saying, " I didn't know what to do with it, I thought it was for me to carry." Realize something-He died for YOU, and has shown you that He repaired death and was brought to new life everlasting. He did this for YOU. He already suffered for YOU. Give your life to Him to repair. Hand it over to Him DAILY. He washes you clean. He purifies you. He repairs that which is broken. He fill you up with goodness, light, love, hope and LIFE. Know that these things you've carried for far too long are not yours to carry any longer. They served their purpose... for you to learn from. You can be thankful for each situation, every circumstance, all the people who caused you hurt or pain. Forgive, Be thankful, and LET GO. The past has made history, you need only to learn from it and move forward. God will use it for His Glory. Don't waste your days studying your own history book. Hiding from your past will only lead you into deeper darkness, expose it to the light and be set free. Stand strong- full of His Glory in Freedom Today. Lean into tomorrow having HOPE for your future. Ask Christ to take from you that which is holding you back from His plan for your life. Seek His face, be prayerful, be intimately in His word, JUST BE with Him.
Peter 1:3-9 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade, kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
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